Mistakes have been made

Impulses lead me to being here
Desire for love showed me the way
Idea of romance told me to be secret
But nothing told me the consequences
Long is the distance I must travel back
Disappointment will be my only companion
Desire for understanding is what I will leave behind
But I will always miss her

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Feeling Rejuvenation

It has been an interesting few days. I recently went to Louisville for business and experienced emotions that seemed to be hidden from me for so long. Moving past preconceived notions of inadequacy and inferiority has been difficult at best. I have had people that only assist in this downward spiral but there is a handful that allows you to see your true potential. It can be challenging to get away from this self deprecating cycle but it is worth every ounce of pain when you breathe without an exhaled sigh. Let us call her Italy. I met Italy when I was in Louisville. A co-worker and I went to this restaurant that was near the hotel and she happened to be my waitress. We exchanged pleasantries and basic small talk. I attempted at coy flirting “What is there to do around this area?” “What do you guys do after work?” During this Italy would always answer with a smile but nothing really more. I didn’t think she was interested. So after we paid I slipped my card into the bill holder with a note “Well if you decide to go out give me a call.” And I signed it “…the guy not in the yellow shirt :-D” since my co-worker was wearing a yellow shirt. As we were leaving I felt like she wasn’t going to call and I was okay with that. Around 9 o’clock my phone rings. Showing that I wasn’t waiting for her to call, yes I was kind of playing a game, I didn’t answer it. She left a message and I listened to it and she wanted to know if I was still interested in going out. I called her back and we talked on the phone for about an hour. Then she said she would come pick me up at the hotel. When she got out of the car it was amazing. She looked good at the restaurant but she was beautiful. We spent the night talking. She loves to talk and I couldn’t get enough. When she took me back to the hotel she got out and gave me a hug. “Crap! She’s not interested.” I said to myself. I took a chance and leaned in for a kiss. Something as simple as that kiss energized my heart again. A place that felt so cold from broken hearts and ill matched dating was now glowing red. We then spent the next few days together and she took me to the airport. We have already made plans to visit each other and even requested days off. I know most people will say negative things about a long distance relationship and I understand those feelings. But when your heart craves just to be close to someone, no amount of distance can change that. If this doesn’t workout it would be frustrating. But she has given me something more than I ever expected, the desire. My feelings have been rejuvenated.

Decision Oblivion

Everyday I am making choices. I made a choice to go to bed late. I made a choice to get to work on time. And I made a choice of skipping lunch. But the choices that are really affecting me are the ones I didn’t know I made. “I” made a choice to get stuck in this position. “I” made a choice to get labeled as a having a wild personal life. And “I” made a choice to never get into sales. The never-ending pursuit to do what you are good at is driving me insane. I have an ability, they saw the ability, the said there would be opportunity, but when? Nonetheless I am making connections. If the day that a rift every came and touched me, I won’t be without for long. But wait. What is that on the horizon? A possible “pre-sales” position? Is this just a mirage? I don’t know. Maybe I will be drinking sand, but I will kick and scream if I do.


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