Reluctant Acceptance

I made a mistake. Recently I traveled over 700 miles to visit someone I thought would bask in the idea of seeing me. How I was wrong. Our conversations on the phone consisted of “I wish you were here”, “I need a hug come see me” and other such notions. She had been describing to me that she was having a rough week with work, family, and social life. So Friday I decided to do the romantic and chivalrous thing and surprise her. My intentions were nothing more than trying to be sweet and a “nice guy”. I feel the need to specify this.
Friday morning I am online looking at my bank statement and see that my tax refund has just come in. “Sweetness!” I exclaim. “I could totally afford to go see her.” I think about it for two seconds and start packing a bag. “She’s been having a rough week she would love to see me. Better yet, I’ll surprise her!” And so begins the end.
It was an average day at work. I kept looking at my watch to see if I could duck out early. At 2:30 I get a call that I have to attend to before I could leave. I finish up the call at 3:00 and get on the road. As I start up the highway I paused at the turn off for my home. “What if she isn’t really into me? What a waste this would be. But that can’t be true. Our conversations never would let me believe that. This will show me her true feelings.” And I continue onto Kentucky.
270 miles later I pull off to the smallest BP gas station in the world. It had two pumps outside and A shelf for candy and A shelf for soda. Not many options. By the way I had been chowing down on energy bars and vault sodas to keep my focus. So I fill up the twenty-six gallon tank, change out of work clothes, and get a soda. I get back on the road and continue on.
The trip was actually a nice one, up there that is, filled with beautiful views and interesting drivers. I don’t think I have ever received more smiles from my license plate then I did on this trip. “Just let go” seems to be a creed that anyone can get behind.
So around an hour outside of Louisville I start getting nervous. Tons of “what if…” questions start firing off. But I still believe that she will think this is sweet and romantic. I call her work to see if she is there and they inform me that she is off for the night. I then call her house. I say hey and ask her what’s going on. She tells me its going alright with a sadden tone. I ask more questions and evidently she is struggling with some surface issues and was frustrated. And this is how the conversation continued.

I gotta ask you something.
Okay.
Do you still want to come out and see me?
Yeah.
You sure?
Yeah.
Would you want me to come out and see you?
Of course.
Well how about I buy us some drinks?
What?
Yeah, I am here in Louisville
What?
Yeah I drove up today to surprise you. I know you have been having a rough week so I decided to surprise you.
What?
(Pause)
(Hesitant) I came up to see you.
Why?
Cause I wanted to see you?
Why didn’t you call or warn me?
(Hesitant) Cause I wanted to surprise you.
I don’t know. That’s a little weird don’t you think?
(Confused) I guess. I just wanted to be sweet and…
I don’t know. That’s a little scary. I mean I don’t even know you.

And right there is when my heart sunk into my chest. “…scary…” I would have never expected to hear that. My sweet and honest intentions have been seen as scary. She then thought I was joking and I told her I wasn’t and she then repeated, “I don’t know. I gotta go.” Several times and then hung up. I felt horrible. I don’t think there are actually words to describe how I felt. It was as if my pure intentions had been turned into some kind of devious plan. And that struck the very core of me like ice water from a showerhead. I proceeded to the Marriott where I got a room. I started to sit on the bed when my phone rang.
“Listen” she said, “don’t come by my work tomorrow.”
Defeated I said “I wasn’t planning on it.”
“Ok”
“I never meant for this to scare you or anything. I was just trying to be sweet and pick up where we left off. I am sorry.” A long pause then “So its pretty much over now huh?
Quietly she responded “yeah.”
Click.

I went to bed that night, woke up in the morning, and began my journey home. It was a long and depressing. The cold hard rain beating my window and the feeling of being considered… “scary” I feel the desire to keep repeating myself in saying that my intentions were true. I thought this was going to be a sweet gesture that turned to shit. So quickly it started and so quickly it ended. But I knew in the beginning of this trip that it would show how she really felt for me. I learned and I will and I am moving on. She showed me that it is still possible to have those feelings for someone that would make you drive 450 miles to see someone again. Those feelings seemed so far away for such a long time, but I… I am okay. No worries.

This is a poem of my drive up to Kentucky. Thought it was interesting

Evil Red Grins

Night driving brings evil red grins
They mock you as they pass you
They stare at you when in front
Changing lanes brings a wink of insult
There friends are never far behind and always there
Night Driving brings evil red grins


This is a very personal post so please put a quick note. You don't have to do much... just somethin

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